It only takes one thing to trigger a tidal wave of insecurities. It’s an uphill battle just trying to keep all my hard work from unraveling and falling a part at the seams.
It’s worth it though – happiness is always worth it and even though it takes work I am not afraid of it!
The powerlifting competition a few weeks back was more than just a test of physical and mental strength – it was a firkin parade of skinny, lean, muscular, fat and tight arses wrapped up in singlet’s, booty shorts and vest tops. I hadn’t worn such tight (and so little) clothing since the death of the Irish Summer in June and I found myself ruminating about my appearance for the first time in a long time!
I hated this bout of low self-esteem and lack of confidence. I fought really hard not to give into it! I told myself to act normal, “Do not behave in a way that will reinforce your mood, Sarah”.
Photos were taken, stupidly tight shorts were worn and right leg was slightly bent. Same as always!
It was such a liberating feeling when I looked back over a photo that was taken of me in a singlet and not seeing the fat mess I created in my head – I didn't look bad at all!
If I didn't continue to act as I always did I never would have experienced this eye opening and liberating moment. My hard work paid off!
But like I said, all it takes is one trigger before we feel like we are losing control.
Bikini Body Season
Summer is looming and all the awesome gyms I follow on FaceBook have kick started their “bikini body” transformation programs. Cute Spring dresses have hit the shops and I have weddings, parties and dinner dates lined up from now until the end of 2016. Some of my friends actually succeeded in building their summer bodies over the winter and I feel like I ate all the pies.
I am feeling insecure and I am comparing myself to every Betty, Jane and Mary that comes my way.
The temptation to fix my broken body is overwhelming. I consider juice detoxes, elimination diets, Whole 30, calorie restriction, Whole 30, exercising more, cardio, HIIT – all so I can fix my broken body.
Until I realize that it’s not my body I need to change, it’s how I think about it!
Not Giving Up
I have spent the last 3 years creating balance in my life and the possibility of losing this balance terrifies me! I eat with perspective because it makes me feel good and I exercise because I feel empowered every time I walk into a gym.
I am not going to give this up all in the name of a body ideal that was created by society. Conformity is not one of strong suits and I intend on keeping it that way!
I will never look like Camille Le Blanc or Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and you know frikin what? They will never look like me either but I will be damned if you tell me that I should not feel as good as you think they look!
I understand that when I place too much value on extrinsic goals – weight loss, toned arms, tight arse - that I am limiting my potential to achieve the greatest levels of happiness possible.
Nothing has made me feel happier than taking the time to understand what actually makes me happy, and doing those things!
Over the last 3 years I have developed strategies to avoid over thinking and making social comparisons. I have experienced so much joy, gratitude and emersion and it has absolutely nothing to do with my body and everything to do with intrinsic value I place on my personal development and mental health.
The problem is not my body, the problem is how I think about my body.
Life is too short and I will not live life confined by insecurities and feelings of unworthiness.
Happiness takes work and I have never felt happier to work for anything else.
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