I am not entirely sure what has come over me lately but I have been suffering from a major confidence crises. Like, major!
It all started with a trip to Dundrum Town Centre with my mom! We were window shopping for an outfit for my 30th.
I left the apartment feeling happy and positive. I looked nice – i'm pretty sure about 75% of the people who saw me appreciated the eye full of cleavage they got when my top button kept popping. Fun times!
As I walked into the shopping centre and I was struck with this wave of insecurity.
Everywhere I looked there was girls so fashionable they could have some straight from a catwalk. And, I was wearing a 4 year old shirt and a pair of jeans my sister gave me.
But it was like stepping into another universe that required a complete shift in mindset (and for a second I thought an outfit change as well).
I am no stranger to insecurities. I spent half my college life either hiding in the library or driving myself to and from college so I could change my outfit.
I remember on one particularly dismal day driving home simply to change my shoes.
Since reaching my last 20s I have developed a much stronger sense of self! I no longer rely on my appearance as my only form of expression. Nor do I only view my body as something to be decorated and adorned, sucked in or made skinny.
But on this day I walked through the shopping centre with a weight of self doubt and insecurity on my shoulders (maybe that was why my button kept popping?) that was crushing me.
I felt like I wasn’t good enough! I felt I looked frumpy, unfashionable and almost unworthy to be in other people’s presence.
This wave of insecurity hit me again on Saturday night when I went out for my friends 30th. I was becoming frustrated at myself.
As I was getting ready I was obsessed with everything that I thought was "broken". The break out on my skin. My full and bloated belly. My big legs. My scraggly hair.
All i could see were things I wanted to hide, cover up and change.
I hated these feelings. I worked so hard to overcome the difficulties I faced in my 20s – did this mean all my work was unravelling?
When I was shopping in Dundrum I realised it was the first time in a long time that I was in that sort of environment. I am so use to being in the gym wearing my gym clothes or with clients when my mind is completely focussed on them.
As I was walking to the coffee shop where I was meeting my mum I thought that everyone was staring at me! My demons WERE telling me that everyone WAS starting at me because i was ugly, fat and unworthy.
For a split second I allowed my inner demons to beat me. I was feeling completely suffocated!
But then in came Beyonce, my positive voice - my personal power!
Negative affirmations are replaced with positive assurances of beauty, worth and positive experiences.
"I was not put on this earth to just look pretty", "I am enough", "My insides are so beautiful they sparkle".
My skin looks rough because I enjoyed a day of eating chocolate and my belly was bloated because I ate home made potato chips for dinner. My legs are not fat they are strong! My hair would give Rupanzel a run for her money!
On Saturday night I threw on black jeans and a black top. I threw my hair into a high bun and I walked around town and the nightclub like I was a lost Victoria Secret model looking for her catwalk
I was not going to let the demons win!
And that’s the difference between 30 year old Sarah and twenty-something year old Sarah.
The demons no longer win.
I am confident.
I understand my worth and my value.
But I have moments of crippling insecurity that would knock you off your feet.
I do not dwell on these bad experiences or moments. I do not let myself get sucked in or defined by them. It is a moment that I allow myself to feel, to understand then to move away from.
Today, the difference is that I am able to recall my positive voice (Girl, you know I call her Beyonce) and I am able to fight off the demons one flick of the hips and one shake of the ass at a time.
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